He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
