Kareoke will never be a sober sport
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
