Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
