Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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