I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
