Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
