i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
