i just had sex bonerless
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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