I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
