Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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