I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
