I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
