she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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