i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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