her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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