My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
