Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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