I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
vagina is talking i cant
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
