Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I cut my penus on the lid.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
