is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
