You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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