i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I want to have your abortion
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
