Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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