Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
