im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
