it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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