Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
