I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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