So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My dad is sitting where you rode me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
