Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
