if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
