I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
