$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
