She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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