connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
