Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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