I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
