i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
