My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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