Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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