Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
