Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
