you guys were way drunker than both of me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
