I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
