i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
