Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
