My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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