saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
