So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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