Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
